The Paradox of Ambition and Motherhood

(Overview)

"Caring for children is the exact opposite of ambition; it does not involve skills that require high levels of training, and it provides extremely low levels of recognition."
Anna Fels
Necessary Ambitions

What happens when strong, ambitious women become mothers? We're a generation of women who were told we could have it all and be anything we wanted. We have excelled in sports, held high-ranking offices, built empires, and continue to change the world. We're competitive over-achievers with high self-esteem, we get great satisfaction from using our talents and skills to conquer a task, and we also thrive on the recognition and attention it brings. As born movers and shakers, our career is a big part of "who we are" and a big part of "our identity," but eventually
for most, there comes a time to think about a family.

The word "ambitious" is always seen as great for men and even alright for women...until we have kids. Then having ambition is often looked at as selfish and uncaring, and that leads to a paradox that causes great pain.

Ambition and motherhood represent two totally different types of needs: ambition is often seen as selfish, while motherhood is a selfless act; ambitious people need recognition and motherhood rarely offers any; ambitious people need to compete and motherhood should not be a competitive sport; ambitious people need to use skills and talents in everyday life and those skills may not fit with motherhood.

Based on personality type research from several sources, I'll introduce two broad categories of mothers: SAM's (strong ambitious moms), who are driven to succeed, want to live big exciting lives, and most importantly feel we have another purpose in life in addition to being a mom. In contrast, I'll briefly describe the DOM's (domestic oriented moms), who feel their purpose in life is to be a mother, which completely fulfills them. Because DOM's transition into motherhood easier, I'll focus on the SAM's who struggle between our own needs and those of our families.

"Moms Who Need More" is a book for mothers who have always been seen as "having it all" and "having it all together," so they receive little support or acknowledgment from others. They're also the first ones to look for advice, books or seminars about how to improve their lives. I'll relate to mothers who struggle with new identities and are often made to feel they don't love their kids as much as the domestic moms. They need to know that wanting more from their lives does not mean they love their kids any less. I'll address twelve different paradoxes that conflict ambitious women after they have children. Many women will relate to the feelings, but have been unable to put them into words. I'll show that how they feel is not always a choice, but who they were born to be, raised to be, and who they authentically are. By acknowledging who they really are (according to the personality profile) and what motherhood requires, the reasons for their distress will be obvious.

For each paradox, I'll give solutions to how they can meet both needs and feel like a great mother, a great woman, and lead a much happier life. I'll empower moms to use their energy, drive, and passion to accomplish great things while they raise kids. SAM's are the women who have it in them to make a big difference in the world, and when they conform to society's expectations of who they should be (a DOM), then they and society lose.

It's not about working inside or outside the home, it's about the empty feeling they get when ignoring their own needs. I'm also not telling them to follow their ambitions and forget about their family obligations and all the wonderful joy that a family brings. I want women to become more of who they are when they become mothers, because pretending to be something else will only disappoint.

The last chapter will include information about a new organization to support SAM's called "The Strong Ambitious Moms Alliance" - SAMA. This will be an interactive web-site, monthly meetings, and a "place to fit" for millions of moms desperate to talk about their own needs and ambitions. This will fill the needs of the millions of women who have out grown MOPS - Mothers of Preschoolers (over 2700 us chapters with 10-200 women each), but not ready for The Red Hat Society (women over 50).

With all the media focus on the family, "Moms Who NEED More" should be a controversial book because many Domestic Oriented Moms will be offended and disagree that our personalities should help determine our choices and SAM's are just abandoning our kids. Some will say we should just ignore our ambitions and who we were raised to be, take on the domestic responsibilities and make the necessary sacrifices. Some will not "get" that when mom is authentic and true to who she really is, she'll be happier and a much better mother! I'm up for the challenge!

12 Paradoxes that Ambition and Motherhood Create

Par-a-dox: something involving an inherent contradiction.

Paradox # 1

Ambitious people need to pursue a passion or purpose, AND
motherhood needs you to be passionate about your family.

Paradox # 2

Ambitious people need to have a plan, AND to enjoy motherhood, you need to be conscious of the moment.

Paradox # 3

Ambitious people enjoy an extreme, adventurous lifestyle, AND
motherhood is all about creating balance.

Paradox # 4

Ambitious people need to "stand out from the crowd," AND when you become a mother, you become one of many.

Paradox # 5

Ambitious people need to be recognized for special skills that they've worked hard to develop, AND motherhood demands that you use domestic skills that you may not have or enjoy using.

Paradox # 6

Ambitious people believe they personally can "do it all", AND motherhood needs you to ask and accept help.

Paradox # 7

Ambitious wives need to feel equal in their marriage, AND mothers are usually burdened with the increase of daily chores and family obligations creating inequality.

Paradox # 8

Ambitious people need to feel they're "the best" at what they do, AND
motherhood is no competition with no judge and no awards.

Paradox # 9

Ambitious people need to feel accomplished by setting and reaching goals, AND motherhood demands obligations to which there is no end
goal and little feeling of accomplishment.

Paradox # 10

Ambitious people take care of themselves physically to enhance their identity that is based on talent and skills, AND motherhood often creates an identity based on appearance, and domestic and social skills.

Paradox # 11

Ambitious people need time to focus, think, plan, and participate in their ambitions, AND motherhood requires you be on 24/7.

Paradox # 12

Ambitious people need to be around other ambitious people, AND
motherhood often put you in the company of people completely opposite from you.

Some Women are from Mars, Some are from Venus

Are you ambitious, domestic, or a little of both? I'm sure you've heard of the book, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" by John Gray. It's about the major differences between men and women. Well, I have discovered just as many differences between women and women, more specifically, mothers.

I've created a profile from the following two sources that represents the main personality type to be discussed in the book.

1. The Wisdom of the Enneagram, by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson
Traits of Type 3: the achiever
Secondary traits of Type 7: the enthusiast

2. The Color Code, by Taylor Heartman, Ph.D.
Traits of a Red
Secondary traits of a Yellow

Strong Ambitious Mothers or SAM's are just like me. We're mothers who feel we have another purpose in life in addition to raising our children. The extreme opposite traits describe the Domestic Oriented Mothers or DOM's. They feel their sole purpose is to be a mother. Most mothers will fall somewhere between the two, but will lean toward one. The next few pages will display the profiles of both and the quiz will allow mothers to see where they rank on the scale.

The Mom Personality Quiz

Choose the one answer that best describes who you are and how you feel.

1. a. I feel I have another purpose in this world in addition to being a mother.

b. I feel that my purpose in this world is to be a mother & raising children
is my calling.

2. a. I have to have a project with a goal to work toward outside my family.

b. My goal is to provide a nice home and life for my family.

3. a. I know the importance of caring for myself in order to be a better mother.

b. My family and their needs always come before me and my needs.

4. a. I love to take risks and try new things.

b. I prefer to play it safe and secure.

5. a. I think it's important to grow and learn myself while I raise my kids.

b. I think it's important to focus my energy on my children and their growth.

6. a. I have high standards and expectations for myself and my family.

b. I believe that expectations should meet the abilities of the individual.

7. a. When I do something well or go out of my way for another person, I really enjoy getting recognition and praise.

b. Doing things for others is my way of life in which I get personal meaning. I don't need any recognition.

8. a. I like to live a big exciting life.

b. I prefer a simple slower life.

9. a. I like to make a small impact on many people and get lots of attention.

b. I like to make a big impact on a few people. That makes me feel good.

10. a. I really like to be different and stand out from the crowd.

b. I really like to fit in with other people and prefer the background.

11. a. I view failure simply as a "setback," look for the lesson and move on.

b. I rarely fail because I choose to play it safe and rarely try new things.

12. a. I like the attention of being center stage.

b. I prefer to stay in the background.

13. a. I am very independent and can take care of myself if I had to.

b. I don't know what I would do if something happened to my husband.

14. a. I often talk too much and need to learn to be a better listener.

b. I enjoy listening to what others have to say.

15. a. When I have a problem, I find a way to quickly resolve it and move on.

b. When I have a problem, I like to talk it out with others and tend to dwell a little longer.

16. a. My husband chooses his wardrobe and that's a reflection of who he is.

b. I choose my husband's wardrobe and see this as a reflection of me.

17. a. Some people may think I'm selfish because I like time to myself.

b. Some people may think I'm a martyr because I focus so much on others.

18. a. It's not the amount of time you spend with your kids, it's what you do with that time.

b. It's important to spend a lot of time with your kids no matter what you are doing.

19. a. Frozen meals in 10 minutes leave time for family fun.

b. A home cooked meal with family gathered around the table is family fun.

20. a. I love to watch children grow and change, and look forward to older years.

b. I wish my children could stay young forever, I dread them moving on.
Grading yourself

Give yourself one (1) point for every "b" answer and plot yourself on the scale.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
SAM DOM

A score of 0 - 5 means you're most definitely a SAM and will identify with most of the qualities of a SAM. A score of 16 - 20 means you are most definitely a DOM and will agree with most of the DOM qualities. A score of 6 - 15 represents to which type you lean.